I’ve started taking the kids to church. Okay, that’s not true. Phalene has started taking the FAMILY to church. It started with her fighting with her brother about God and asking if I believe in God why don’t we go to church.

And, well, beyond trying to explain to a five-year old how you were told to respect your parents even as you were trying to ask for help for his alcoholism; being told God was always with you, even when you cowered in your room hoping you wouldn’t be pulled down the stairs by your ear again, or hit or screamed at; after watching truly cruel people being welcomed while those you loved were turned away for who THEY loved… beyond never feeling like I had a place in the Catholic Church… it was just easier to pick up and go. To hope that we can allow her to make her own choices.

My little girl who asks me to turn off the radio in the car so God can talk to her.

But it is hard. We have chosen a denomination that welcomes all, but which doesn’t think homosexuality fits in with Christian teachings and so does not allow homosexual leaders. And if I have any belief in God, it is as a God who would have no opinion on who you love whatsoever. Really.

But the other problem: there is a strong missionary bent. And, the other strong feeling I have about God is that He loves all his children, even those who do not call out in the same voice, that there is no One Way to Love Him and that we are cruel and self-aggrandizing when we say we have all the answers. I will need to work on this.

Otherwise, I am loving church. I love this particular church, where the sermon goes into the history of the reading, where people walk around to share the Peace of the Lord, where we all sing. I love talking with everyone after church oer treats. I love that the kids go to Sunday School and learn scripture. Because, in the end, I do think this is important, even if I don’t believe everything happened as it is written, I believe it is the Word of God, and that what He had to say was important, though maybe it has been mistranslated over the millennia.

Is that wrong? And Levi goes to church and does not believe, and I have told him to keep that to himself. And … well, I’m not trying to teach my seven-year old to lie, but maybe just to not speak out unless asked directly. Because it is disrespectful.

I don’t know. I think that maybe having this internal struggle every week isn’t the worst thing I could be doing. And I think the kids learning to be good to other people for reasons other than “I said so” is a good idea.

And, well,  maybe I really like the little girl getting messages from God.